Saturday 1 April 2023

Artificial Indolence - Your Automated Accomplice

Hot on the heels of the Einstein GPT launch at TrailblazerDX, it gives me great pleasure to announce Artificial Indolence. If you are lazy, workshy, or just plain incompetent, Artificial Indolence can help you to hang on to your job while underperforming, far longer than anyone would reasonably expect.

Artificial Indolence is a general purpose tool (GPT), with use cases across the enterprise, including:

Case Work Deflector

The lazy service rep's worst nightmare - in spite of the best efforts of Einstein, the customer was able to raise a case and it's been assigned to you. Drawing on a training set of over a billion work-dodging communications, Artificial Indolence presents you with a tailored response that clearly explains why you are the worst person to be assigned work for the specific customer and problem. Clearly calling out your lack of ability and experience, it will be obvious to any manager that this can only end in disaster. If you've chosen the Communication Bus add-on, it will also identify a range of your peers who the work would be better assigned to and throw them under the bus.

Closed Lost Justifier

Our most successful feature to date, and perfect for the sales rep who just can't be bothered. When your lack of effort inevitably leads to an Opportunity being marked Closed Lost, Artificial Indolence generates a plausible reason why the stars didn't align in spite of your herculean efforts.

Activity Delayer

Rather than disappointing your customer all at once by not completing a job on time, drip feed the disappointment over weeks if not months with Artificial Indolence Activity Delayer - the customer will receive confusing communications outside working hours, and with any luck will blame themselves for not responding. If you've sprung for the Meeting Avoidance add-on, Indolence will automatically schedule meetings when most of the invitees have conflicts - the meeting will never happen and it's because everyone other than you is too busy!

Coverage Concealer

One for the developers who aren't interested in writing unit tests - Artificial Indolence will generate huge classes with 100% test coverage to bring the org coverage up to 75%. As these classes are based on genuine examples found in other orgs, they serve a real purpose (unless the examples were also generated by Indolence of course). Good enough to convince Salesforce to increase your Apex character limit, or three months free!

As befits it's purpose, Artificial Indolence is right now a collection of smoke, mirrors, mock ups and brochureware. Stay tuned for details of the pilot program that nobody will be accepted on to.

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